10 Ways to Tell a Terminal Family Member that He/She is Not a Burden
For terminally ill patients, the fear of becoming a burden to their loved ones is ever-present. Even if family and friends don’t think of them like that, this is how they perceive themselves.
Coping with a terminal diagnosis isn’t easy for the individual who is dying or those they leave behind. Tensions run high, people lash out and relationship dynamics change with the levels of dependency. But it's possible to deal with these situations healthily.
Studies show that people with terminal illnesses and their caregivers use different strategies to cope and are most successful if they keep communicating honestly, face the reality of death and continue to find purpose in their daily lives.
So, how can you put that theory into practical application?
1. Accept their help where possible
Changing power dynamics as one individual becomes increasingly dependent on others can be a source of great friction. The sick person may start to feel as if everything is out of their control and they’re no good to anyone anymore.
Accepting any help they’re able to give you allows them to still be a functional part of daily life—the opposite of a burden. This assistance can take various forms depending on their current level of ability.
You might ask them to cook dinner once a week, make practical phone calls for you or help the kids with their homework. Something as simple as spending time with your little ones while you run errands could be indispensable.
2. Harness the power of touch
Don't underestimate the power of touch. With COVID-19, you need to make sure you're taking all necessary precautions, but being touched will release feel-good endorphins. A quick hug works well when you’re in a hurry; brushing hair is great when you have more time.
3. Offer practical assistance
Discussing what needs to be done and making concrete offers of help before you’re asked demonstrates that you’re willing to be there. If the terminal family member is not yet living with you, grocery runs, lifts to medical appointments or house cleaning sessions will all be appreciated.
This is where talking honestly about the situation comes into play. By frankly discussing what someone can and can't do, the feeling of being a burden and the associated shame can be lifted. Additionally, you’re showing that you want to spend time with them and that you value their company.
4. Make personalized care packages
Personalized care packages are another great way of showing people they’re in your thoughts and that you don’t consider it a burden to do things for them. Inflatable neck pillows, eye masks and warm blankets are all lovely thoughtful touches for someone still receiving chemo.
Gifting books that are easy to read and don’t require too much concentration or a subscription to a TV streaming service will show them you understand how they're spending their days. If you put real thought into it, adding their favorite snacks or preferred brand of bubble bath will mean even more.
5. Create new rituals
As people’s capabilities change, they might not be able to participate in the traditions that you and your family have established. Perhaps an uncle always played basketball with his nephew, but now that he’s sick, he can’t.
That can underline the sense of being a burden, as the lives of others are changed too. By establishing new rituals, you can show someone that they're still included and that the rest of the family wants to spend time and make new memories with them.
6. Tick items off their bucket list
And if they don’t have a bucket list, suggest that they make one. If they want to travel to different places, you could help them by researching hotels that meet their requirements. Something like a hot air balloon ride or trying sushi for the first time could be easily arranged.
You may need to get creative—if they can’t get to France or Italy, but it’s been a lifelong dream, stage French-inspired or Italian-inspired experiences in your own home. The more time and effort you spend, the greater the meaning.
7. Cook their favorite meals
Stick with their all-time favorites, like your specialty mac and cheese, and mix it up with a few new ideas. If they're suffering in any way from their illness and struggle to chew or digest certain foods, take this into account.
The time you spend looking up recipes will show that you care. You could also make dinnertime a unique and fun occasion by serving the food on your finest china or having a theme like Christmas in July with all the table settings.
8. Help them connect with others
If there’s one thing the coronavirus and subsequent lockdown measures have shown, it’s that technology can be a blessing. Video calls have helped people stay connected and reminded us of how easy it is to keep in touch—no matter how far apart we are.
If your terminally ill family member is living in your house or hometown and can’t see their other loved ones, help them speak to them via video chat or set up a social media account for them. The more people they know are thinking of them, the less likely they are to feel like a burden.
9. Discuss end-of-life plans
Part of facing death and being honest is discussing funeral expenses, insurance and plans along with wills, last testaments, Do Not Resuscitate orders, life insurance policies and other issues that arise when someone passes away. A frank conversation will show that you’re not avoiding the topic or person and will help you and them to get all financial and legal matters in order.
10. Just say it
Ultimately, all the actions you take should demonstrate that you value having the terminally ill individual in your life. Spending time with them while they’re still here, creating new memories, thinking of things they’ll enjoy and easing their concerns about daily activities and end-of-life plans all accomplish this. In quiet moments, just saying it plainly will do the same.
Coping with a terminal illness is not easy, and both the patient and their family will be affected in just about every way. By implementing these tips, you can offer your family member the peace of mind that they’re not a burden and that you treasure the time you have left.