If you’re responsible for deciding care for your elder family member or friend, it can cause a lot of stress. Senior care decisions aren’t easy for anyone to make, especially for a loved one.
Are you making the right choice by putting them in a senior living community or personal care home? Will they receive adequate care? Are you capable of being their caregiver? Do they need more care than you can provide? If things go wrong, is it your fault? What could you have done to prevent this scenario altogether? These are all questions you're probably asking yourself and you’re not alone—many caregivers feel this guilt, and there is support out there for you.
Caregiving can sometimes feel like a demanding, full-time job. Although it allows you to spend more time with your loved ones, it can be quite emotionally and physically draining. One of the most challenging decisions to make is whether or not to seek other care options. These options vary by level, ranging from no assistance to around-the-clock nursing care.
The answer as to whether you should pursue senior care options for your loved one is never black and white often resulting in mixed emotions. Recognizing the feeling of guilt is the first step in tackling those difficult emotions that often accompany eldercare. Ample research and communication play a key role in alleviating guilt and making the best decision for your loved one.
After a Senior Care Placement
After finding the right care for your loved one and moving them into a new home, you may feel occasional pangs of guilt. Even if you have the opportunity to visit them every day, you may be worried that they’re bored, lonely, or not receiving the care and attention they need. You may be consumed with wondering whether or not you made the best decision for them.
You may feel as though you’ve given up on them, even if you couldn't provide the proper care on your own. This is a common worry and can be helped by embracing the situation and knowing your loved one will have a better quality of life . If you continue to beat yourself up for not being able to provide all the care they require, seek forgiveness within yourself.
A common misconception is that you’re done with providing care once your loved one is in an eldercare home, but this isn’t the case. Often family caregivers are still responsible for things such as visits, laundry and personal care. The only difference is they’re not solely responsible for activities of daily living (ADLs), which can often take up significant time. An eldercare home taking over ADLs provides more opportunities to enjoy quality time with loved ones.
Embracing this less prominent caregiving role can be difficult at first. You may feel as though you’ve taken too much of a step back, but the best thing you can do for your loved one is to be their advocate.
This means making the senior care home feel like a place where they’re comfortable and their needs are met. This role often includes decorating your loved one’s new space, communicating with staff, and making sure they’re receiving quality care. These actions will help assure you their needs are adequately met, and you can rest assured you made the best decision.
Learning to Mitigate Feelings of Guilt
It's important that guilt is addressed as it’s unlikely to go away on its own. Trying some of the following tactics may help in reducing guilt.
- Openly discussing the situation with your loved one, friends and family can help ease some burdens while also ensuring everyone feels confident about any choices made. Researching the right care and involving your loved one in the process as much as possible can help alleviate feelings of guilt.
- Mentally opening the door to let guilt, frustration or regret come in is sometimes needed to address and process the complexity of these emotions. Writing down what you feel or simply observing these feelings without judgement can make them less powerful and lighter.
- Identifying the source and recognizing where it is coming from is the key to navigating feelings of guilt.
- Practicing gratitude and shifting your focus to acknowledging any opportunities you’ve gained as a result of your decision about their care. For example, are you able to spend more quality time with your loved one now? What are you more knowledgeable about now having gone through the situation? Daily self reflection and journaling can help refocus your emotions.
- Consider what you might say to a friend or family member in a similar situation as you. Oftentimes we’re harder on ourselves. Show yourself some kindness and replace those negative self-thoughts with compassion.
- If you continue to beat yourself up for not being able to provide all the care they require, seek forgiveness within yourself. Recognize that you’re doing your best to help your loved one and you still play a valuable role in their care.
Guilt can affect your relationship with your loved one and the attention and care you're able to provide. If you’re struggling to find ways to work through guilt, a therapist, counselor, or support group are additional options to help untangle emotions and find ways to create change within yourself.
Prioritizing mental health is vital for both your well-being and to be able to provide the best care for your loved one.